”I must be perfect”
It all started when I decided that I wanted to draw. I heard about adult colouring books that are useful to release stress and intense emotions. I figured I could draw after work to relax because my job can be hard on my emotions at times.
I went to the store to buy a colouring book. Then I started to be anxious about it. I was doubting my ability to create nice art. Let’s not forget that the first intention was to release stress…
I was obsessed by the beautiful mandalas I would see on social media. I wondered: “How can I be able to draw those mandalas with as many precise details like they do?
One night I finally got over myself and started drawing. I was holding the pencil in a certain angle that made the strikes diagonal. But my hand was getting tired so I thought I could change the angle. Then it didn’t sound like a good idea because the pattern of my strikes would change to the other diagonal direction … Pretty silly huh?…
That’s exactly what I realized. I mean, who in the world would notice such a subtle changing in my drawing. And even if someone would notice: does it really matter?… so I stopped and asked myself: “Why was I thinking it was important ?”
And the answer was simply because I wanted it to be perfect….
I had to remind myself that I wasn’t doing this to be perfect and to show it to someone. I just simply wanted to release the stress of the day before going to bed …. Instead, I had unnecessary worry fueled by the need to be perfect.
To be honest that is one of many examples that demonstrates that I’ve been (and still am) struggling with perfectionism.
I would like to say that I am completely over it, but I am not. What I can say is that I am not where I used to be. In fact, I am a work in progress. One thing I’ve learned from this journey is to at least be aware. We must be aware of our mental dialogue. This internal dialogue can be based on limiting thoughts and irrational beliefs. That’s exactly what I did when I asked myself: but why? I was being aware of my mental state.
Change comes with awareness. In other words, awareness is the first step in the right direction and that path leads us away from perfectionism.
If you experience the same pressure to be perfect, know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. You have to make the first step which is to be aware of your weakness.
Until next time, shine your light!